When did I fall asleep

what do i really want? what is it that really scares me. Anytime i wake up. anytime i open my eyes to life. i feel like my heart stopped beating a while ago but when. This feels like a dream... a dream that i seem never to snap out of, but when did i fall alseep. Nothing feels real. I question my sanity sometimes. SOmetimes, i sit alone, laughing hard at nothing. Sometimes, i sit for hours, just thinking.

when will i ever wake up from this sleep.

when did i even sleep and never wokeup again cos i could swear that this is not me. this is not me living.

who is this....

slowly, life is draining out of me

i have even forgotten how to cry

i watch the saddest things to make me shed a tear...

but nothing comes out...

i feel like i'm depressed but no. I'm not allowed to be depressed...

what should i be depressed over...

i seem to have everything i want...

i seem to have it all..

everything i ever dreamed of

yet, insecurity takes the better side of me

yet..i'm not an insecure person

i know i'm writing this straight and raw from my head

but i feel so empty

empty

i can hear echoes

silent echoes

am i in love

am i lonely

do i need attention

am i disturbed

do i have a childhood encounter that i never seemed to snap out of

i've fallen from trees

i've hit my head hard on the floor

so hard i felt my brains in shock

i've climbed trees so high and wondered what it would be like to fall

i've fallen

i've been beaten

i got bit by 3 dogs

i've fallen from a bike

i've fallen from several things

i've pushed a button deep in my nose

i almost had a surgery

i remember the hostpital like it was yesterday

u remember how the noses rapped me in a white sheet and held me tight

i remember when my dad rapped me in a sheet 

i remember being accused of pushing a girl to a poll

it never goes away

so maythings...

but when did i never wake up...

at what point...

at what point did i die 

at what point did my heart stop beating and i became so cold...

cold to myself...cold to the world

at what point did i totally lose it...

i'm a good guy

i think i'm nice

i carry people's burden on my head like i can save the world

always want to save people

always want people to trust me

i've never been free

i've never done things to please me

i've always done things to make others feel special

to make others see their worth

i've sacrificed myself for people and i didnt even notice it

i've broken hearts

i've spoiled so manythings

and yet my intentions were to make them feel special

i've done so many wrongs...

i dont know

all i want to know is... when did i die...

if not

when did i sleep and wokeup into this dream