When did I fall asleep

what do i really want? what is it that really scares me. Anytime i wake up. anytime i open my eyes to life. i feel like my heart stopped beating a while ago but when. This feels like a dream... a dream that i seem never to snap out of, but when did i fall alseep. Nothing feels real. I question my sanity sometimes. SOmetimes, i sit alone, laughing hard at nothing. Sometimes, i sit for hours, just thinking.

when will i ever wake up from this sleep.

when did i even sleep and never wokeup again cos i could swear that this is not me. this is not me living.

who is this....

slowly, life is draining out of me

i have even forgotten how to cry

i watch the saddest things to make me shed a tear...

but nothing comes out...

i feel like i'm depressed but no. I'm not allowed to be depressed...

what should i be depressed over...

i seem to have everything i want...

i seem to have it all..

everything i ever dreamed of

yet, insecurity takes the better side of me

yet..i'm not an insecure person

i know i'm writing this straight and raw from my head

but i feel so empty

empty

i can hear echoes

silent echoes

am i in love

am i lonely

do i need attention

am i disturbed

do i have a childhood encounter that i never seemed to snap out of

i've fallen from trees

i've hit my head hard on the floor

so hard i felt my brains in shock

i've climbed trees so high and wondered what it would be like to fall

i've fallen

i've been beaten

i got bit by 3 dogs

i've fallen from a bike

i've fallen from several things

i've pushed a button deep in my nose

i almost had a surgery

i remember the hostpital like it was yesterday

u remember how the noses rapped me in a white sheet and held me tight

i remember when my dad rapped me in a sheet 

i remember being accused of pushing a girl to a poll

it never goes away

so maythings...

but when did i never wake up...

at what point...

at what point did i die 

at what point did my heart stop beating and i became so cold...

cold to myself...cold to the world

at what point did i totally lose it...

i'm a good guy

i think i'm nice

i carry people's burden on my head like i can save the world

always want to save people

always want people to trust me

i've never been free

i've never done things to please me

i've always done things to make others feel special

to make others see their worth

i've sacrificed myself for people and i didnt even notice it

i've broken hearts

i've spoiled so manythings

and yet my intentions were to make them feel special

i've done so many wrongs...

i dont know

all i want to know is... when did i die...

if not

when did i sleep and wokeup into this dream

Ther was something about her

There was something about her. she was cute, no doubt, with such large eyes, you'd feel you're staring into a baby's eyes. she had a great body, the kind of body that will stay on your mind for a long time with such graceful long legs and buttocks of an African woman.
Put all this together and you'd wonder how such a slender lady got such stunning body. her breasts were of moderate size but the sight of it could take your mind to places that would only lead to sexual fantasies. Maybe it was the way she flaunted them but the message it sent was clearly received by every nerve and senses in my body.

Even with all this distractions, her expression, one deep looking into her eyes spilled out loads of secrets. she had the expression of a woman that's just hanging on. She always looked deeply troubled. like she's being through things she'd love to forget but the memories won't just go away as they keep haunting her.

i remember the first day i met her. It was really cold that night as i walked out of the house to see this girl that just argued with me over the phone. She sounded bossy but fun. "say you're the one that was wrong."
I was eager to see my friend too but i was more interested in seeing this girl who i just spoke with. I started creating images of how she'd probably look like in my head as i walked towards where they packed.

MY 1st

My 1st steps were about 2, then I fell but tried again...I can't remember but my mum told me.

My 1st word was, key. It was so rough they could hardly understand what I was talking about.

I’ve said billions of words since then but it felt special to me.

My 1st day in school. I remember. I was so young, scared and all alone.

I couldn't understand why my dad was leaving me all alone with so many kids.

Most were crying, some were playing. Some were chasing their parents, some just sat quietly.

I was confused. I was processing way too many things in my little brain. I couldn't comprehend it,

I didn't understand why the kid in front of me was crying, I also couldn't understand why daddy was walking away. "He’ll come back".

My 1st teacher... I can't remember her name but I’m sure she was a lady. She got all of us together and put us in different sits. I didn’t understand why I had to sit down on a particular chair all through as the lady was trying to entertain us with colorful objects.

She kept repeating words as she puts up an object. Then she told us to say after her.

My 1st friend, I can't remember much about this friend, I can't even remember the gender. All I’m sure about is, yeah, I had a 1st friend.

My 1st bully, I had this partner who kept talking about how her father was a soldier and would come to school to beat me or something fun like that. I was too quiet to reply her but she kept saying things to scare me. Things like, her dad would beat my daddy.

My 1st embarrassing incident. I was in class with my partner, threatening me as usual, then, I pupped in my pants. I ran off to the toilet and locked myself in because I was too ashamed to go back to class. Yes I was young but I was so shy. I stayed in the toilet till my parents came looking for me all around school. I can't remember what really happened now but all I remember was m brother was peeping into the toilet and that's how they found me...

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